Unfortunately, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr., and the rest of Hollywood's lovable old gauzers do not show up in "Gods of Egypt." Instead we get strutting giants, colliding egos and endless time-wasting.
The movie's idea — and it has only one — is that in ancient Egypt, deities once walked among the mortals. They were 12-feet tall and they bled molten gold, but other than that they were just like us.
In other words, jealous, vengeful, drunken.
So when the great god Osiris decides to bestow his crown upon his beloved son Horus, Horus' peevish Uncle Set shows up. He thinks the throne should go to him. He kills the king and queen and plucks out Horus' eyes.
Then he banishes Horus and seizes the throne. And immediately condemns his new flesh-and-blood subjects to a life of building pyramids, just to satisfy his sick edifice complex.
Worst party guest. Ever.
There is, however, Bek, a plucky human thief who, if this were 1954, would probably be Tony Curtis. Unfortunately now it's Brenton Thwaites, a wispy blond with all the charisma of a papyrus scroll.
Bek's beloved has been murdered by one of the evil god's minions. And so he joins forces with the disabled Horus to defeat death, overthrow the vile Set and somehow keep us interested.
Guess which one of these miraculous feats they don't pull off?
The movie has a certain amount of camp going for it. Hard not to when you have Geoffrey Rush bulging his eyes and throwing spears of fire as Ra, or Gerard Butler and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau matching swords and scandals as Set and Horus.
Oh and yes, this is another #OsirisSoWhite version of history, in which ancient Egypt is mostly populated by Anglo-Saxons. The only dark-skinned god is a prancing poser who seems to be auditioning for "RuPaul's Drag Race."
At least he's livelier than the rest of the cast. But it's not easy to act naturally when you're surrounded by the most excessive yet unimpressive special effects in years. Director Alex Proyas’ movie feels like a bad video game.
Still, like its towering gods, the movie's already left a big footprint, with ads plastered up everywhere pushing its spectacle, its magic, its 3D. Clearly, its studio hopes for a huge hit — with early audiences bringing in new fans, and them bringing in still more fans. There are even hopes of a franchise.
Talk about a pyramid scheme.
0 comments
Post a Comment